......Waiting......

Merry CHRISTmas Friends!

Last week, my post was a bit more emotional and opinionated than normal. For that, I do not apologize. My hope in writing these blogs is that you see I am no different than you. God has gifted me with the ability to write, but I have weathered a year of loss and brokenness; I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not.

Honestly, I have days where it’s still hard to get up. Days where the tears can’t be held back anymore. Days where the pain, betrayal and rejection is raw and exposed. Especially at the holidays, I feel his absence – the absence of his family. Unpacking his stocking and wondering what happened. Knowing he is in the same town, desperate for any kind of answers. I still feel and am not some superhuman dealing with grief. I am like you. I don’t wish to wear a mask – I hope you saw that last week!

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My newest lesson has been about waiting. Your favorite thing too, right?! I have been waiting on God to come through with answers, with healing, with direction, with motivation… the list could continue. While God has been ever-present in my challenges this year, I still find myself waiting for so much.

Isaiah 40:31 declares, “Those who wait on the Lord will rise up with new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They run and don’t grow weary. They walk and won’t faint.” If waiting is supposed to foster strength, why do I feel so exhausted? Has waiting ever worn you out? Then my friend, we aren’t doing it right.

I was finishing my Christmas shopping in a very girly boutique. The storeowners brilliantly placed a bench near the door. Two older gentlemen patiently sat at their respective ends of the bench. Their arms were crossed and both had an almost glazed look on their faces. I smiled to myself thinking of the women they must be waiting on.

Then the Spirit spoke to my heart: “That’s what it looks like to wait, Heather.” Excuse me, Lord? I fumbled through racks of clothes and stacks of jewelry and tangled scarves keeping an eye on the two gentlemen.

The men were still. They were silent. Waiting patiently, knowing that nothing they could do would speed up the process of their woman’s shopping. Then the Lord gave me a vision of what I look like when I am waiting… It was ugly, but hoping that at least one of you can relate, I will share it with you.

Claiming that I am waiting on God, I tend to run around the “store” like a bat out of a cave. Yelling, carelessly running into things, causing a scene… imagine an out-of-control five year old. A child causing a raucous in a store would most likely receive discipline. But, that’s what I look like when it comes to waiting. Which also explains why I am so exhausted.

It is an embarrassing thing, but I confess it to you. The gentlemen sitting on the bench were resting. They were not expending any energy, nor were they asking questions or pestering. Against their own desires I’m sure, they found themselves in a boutique decked with pink walls and leopard print carpet… they were far from their man cave, yet sat. Their patience and cooperation allowed their ladies to finish their shopping quicker. Imagine them pestering, following them around the store pulling on their dress, telling them to hurry, asking a thousand questions. Would the experience have taken much longer? Probably.

I don’t care for the “store” I currently find myself in. I claim to be trusting and waiting on God, but my actions reflect that of a badly behaving child.

As the day went on, I learned there are many different kinds of waiting: A child waiting to go to Disney World; a boy waiting to go to the doctor; a man waiting to marry the love of his life; a woman ravaged with cancer waiting to fall into the arms of Jesus. Yet in all phases of waiting, as children of the Most High God, we are expected to be at peace. To sit on the bench and smile, trusting His timing - letting Him do His thing.

Our faith lives are much like climbing a mountain. I know you have heard the analogy before, but hear me out. If we saw just how high and how treacherous the mountain was that Jesus wants us to climb, many of us would never even take the first step.

Yet, God in his grace often sends a cloud to hide the top of the mountain. We are only able to see the next ten feet. And slowly but surely, we climb; one step at a time. Sometimes we are the ones who prolong the waiting though…

On a mountain ridge, you are desperate to make it to the plateau. It is just within your sight. God told you how to get there – but you want to be levitated over the babbling stream to the dry ground rather than wade through it. To me, God has said “Forgive.” I can stand on the edge of that stream for years… I was told exactly what to do, but my refusal to do it will inhibit me from reaching the other side.

What has God told you to do? Serve, minister, apologize, pray, confess, reconcile? Our refusal to take the next step up the mountain leaves many Christians stranded on the side. Their pride keeps them there. They stop moving forward and pitch their tent. At that point, you may not be waiting on God to come through; so much as He is waiting on you to be obedient.  

I don’t want to settle for this place on the mountain. I want to keep going – surely something amazing lies at the top! If you are waiting on God, what better time to simply chill out and take a seat on the bench. Then you will begin to experience that renewal of strength…

If God is waiting on you; if you have been told the next step but refuse to take it, no one can help you but yourself. I highly doubt you will be able to argue with God enough to convince Him to change his marching orders. Good luck if you want to keep trying that. Surrender in obedience and lay down your pride. Allow him to help you wade through that stream. (I'm wading with you!) Rewards, peace and blessings lie on the other side.

Look up verses about waiting… many of them are positive and speak of renewal, of hope; not agony, exhaustion and tears! We have been doing it wrong, friend. Take a seat with me, God will be done “shopping” much faster if you and I cooperate.

Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord. Psalm 27:14

I have many friends reading this who don’t have Facebook: I am going to ask a favor of you! Normally, I would not do this, but it is near and dear to my heart.

The ministry I work for, Pure Freedom, has partnered with the Brooklyn Tabernacle in inner city New York. As part of a pilot program, this January school nurses will be handing out the morning-after pill to teens as young as 14 without asking a question and without parental consent. Pure Freedom is sending hope and purity to teen girls in NYC. Please consider and end-of-year donation to these girls. Watch the video below for more information and lick here to donate. (If you don’t want one, you can request that both go to girls in NYC.)

Thank you all for your support, love and prayers! 

When Your World Is On Fire

On April 13, 2012, I was crowned Miss Sierra Blanca and began preparations for the Miss New Mexico Pageant. Ironically, in early June, lightning struck the mountain of Sierra Blanca… void of moisture and strengthened by heat and high winds, my namesake mountain was quickly engulfed in flames.

From my hometown 80 miles away, we watched smoke billow down the mountain and fill the Pecos Valley. Over 200 structures were destroyed in the blaze that burned out of control for nearly a month.

My family has had a cabin in this region for 20 years… the flames came within a mile and a half of our home. Driving up to the mountains following the fire was gut wrenching, the devastation visible for miles.

My mountain was on fire… my life was on fire. On February 28, 2012, lightning struck my world in the form of a text message. Instantly I watched my love, my hopes, my dreams, my job, my home, and my future go up in flames.

Fire is destructive. It is hot. Painful. Unpredictable. Insatiable. Deadly. Yet, we are enthralled by fire. Consider the 4^th of July… a holiday known for explosives! A friend who lives on Sierra Blanca sent me the above photo. I was awestruck by the beauty of the fire. For a moment, I forgot that people were losing their homes and livelihoods in the lethal blaze. Being a visual learner, the Lord continued to teach me. Fire hurts and impacts those who experience it, but when something is on fire, others often gather to watch it burn.

For the last nine months my world has been consumed by a fire that countless people have gathered to watch. Honestly, I feel like a goldfish! A woman I deeply admire recently lost her husband to cancer.  She told me that “Often, tragedies like ours have a way of placing an unwanted spotlight on our life.” She was correct!

Fires are necessary though… they burn off what is dead and useless, they enrich and refresh the soil, and they make room for new growth. Pleasant, no. Painful, yes. Essential, sometimes.

The damage up on the mountain is bone chilling. Structures demolished.  Trees appear as only black toothpicks on the charred ground. Wildlife deceased or at the very least, displaced. It will take years for the mountain to heal, but when it does, it will be more lush and beautiful than before.

This week I was privileged to share my testimony with one teen bible study and two Christian schools in my hometown. I guarantee you that was not on my list of things to do while home for the holidays. Actually, my plan was to hide out in my house. I didn’t want to run into people who ask questions; people who want to tell me what he is doing now; family and friends who dance around the “are you really ok’s?” Not gonna lie, it has been much easier to put 2,000 miles between the memories and myself.

However, the Lord had plans to take me out of hiding. The very week that I was dreading my return to my small hometown, both schools contacted me asking me to speak to their teens. I had told the Lord I would share my testimony wherever He asked me to. I should have clarified. I meant anywhere but here.

I was afraid of what people would think. They know me. They know the situation. The very people watching me burn were asking for a fire report. Thankfully, the Lord directed my testimony. While talking points of the three speaking engagements were the same, each was very different.

Revelation 12:11 says, “We overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony.” I wanted to overcome. I know I am covered by Jesus’ blood and redemption; I needed to share my story. It went a little something like this:

Ever receive a participation award/trophy or ribbon? They are kind of annoying when you think about it. I would much rather have a 1^st place trophy! My generation is especially used to instant gratification; instant rewards; meaning that we don’t try very hard and are quick to give up.

James 1:2-4 states, “When trials come…” Not if, when. Yet, we have trials or losses come into our lives and we are shocked, surprised, and decide to quit. Many championship teams have a loss or two under their belt. What if after that first loss, the whole team threw in their towels and equipment and quit, blaming the coach for the loss? Would they ever go on to win a championship? No! They would settle for a participation ribbon rather than a championship trophy.

Losses and “hard games” will come, but they cannot be an excuse for us to get mad at the Coach and quit. I shared with the students three reasons why it would have been understandable if I quit:

1. Living with one of the most severe cases of hip dysplasia in the country. 23 years old and 12 surgeries. A glamorous total hip replacement. The man I loved speaking belittling and hurtful things about my hip on his way out of my life.

2. The loss of all three of my grandparents within a six-month period. No peaceful passing’s. Receiving the phone calls alone. Passing out at my Grandmother’s funeral only one week post surgery.

3. The text message that sent my world spiraling. Yes, it was the perfect proposal. Yes, he gave me his wedding vows. Yes, he reaffirmed his love. Yes, the man I loved with my whole heart lied to me, betrayed me and rejected me, claiming he had not loved me for over a year.

Quitting was not an option. Blaming God or questioning my faith was not an option. I shared my story this week not to boast, but rather to encourage. I understand physical pain, I understand loss, I understand more than I would ever like to rejection, emotional pain and a broken heart. I know what it is like to have your world set on fire.

But, I believe what Isaiah 43:1-2 says,  “Do not fear! I have redeemed you. I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and the waves will not overtake you. When you walk through the fire, you won’t be burned.”

I like to pick up in Psalm 66:12, “…we went through water and through fire; yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance.” Praise the Lord for that!  Fire is painful and powerful, yet it refines. It warms. It heals. It provides life. It draws people close. It is beautiful to look at.

Areas of my life have been charred and burned to the ground, yet I hope as you have watched my fire, you have begun to see new growth spring forth from the rubble.

I asked the students I spoke to if they have ever experienced a loss or trial that caused them to feel like their world was on fire. Everyone raised their hand. We all have experienced the pain of this world. Thank the Lord it is only temporary!

Regardless of how your world was set on fire, people are watching it burn. It could be an out-of-nowhere lightning strike, a firework gone wrong, a car spark, or a cigarette butt tossed out the window. Others watch, they take note, and they draw conclusions about your faith, family, etc. Call it judging, but it’s the truth, is it not? We care about others and watch how they react to trials and tragedies. 

I have known people who were diagnosed with life-threatening cancer be healed. However, they walk away from the trial unchanged. No testimony, no ministry. Instead they pretend that part of their life never existed, living in fear that the symptoms will return.

In addition, I have known others who had cancer claim their life, but they left a testimony and legacy far more beautiful and inspiring than the person who was healed! They allowed God to use them as a vessel of hope to others who were experiencing the same suffering. There was beauty in their fire.

This week I shared my testimony – gave people the fire update. Reliving the story, trying to talk past the still-raw emotions is hard… truth be told, after my last speaking engagement of the week, I came home and bawled my eyes out in my mother’s arms. The pain is still real – the fire is still hot. But, each time you or I share our testimony, we overcome. 

Whatever fire you may be experiencing in your life, don’t quit. Trust that God will bring something beautiful from the ashes. (Isaiah 61:3) Share your fire with others… sitting on it will just burn your butt. Let other people see the beauty in your flames.