Healing is a Process

I remember the feeling. I was incredibly dazed, but I saw the familiar faces; Mom, Dad, Brother, the Boy. Their concerned smiles brought safety and comfort. Then it hit… the excruciating pain. I had just come through a total hip replacement.

I will avoid the gory details, but still I must help you wrap your head around this. The shaft of my femur had been hollowed out to make room for a metal rod that would be jammed down inside of it. Screws and bolts drilled in to the bone in hopes that everything would stay intact. Then add a metal ball and socket that would become the new joint and two blood transfusions.... 

My body rejected the foreign object and screamed its objection through pain. Every time that wonderful blue light lit up, I pushed it knowing a small bit of relief would come in the form of morphine. I smiled back at them all and squeezed the hand that was holding mine and slipped from consciousness once again.

Dread consumed me the day following the massive surgery. I knew what was coming. It always happens. It has to. Two overly - cheerful physical therapists make their way into my room. “It’s time to get up,” they announce. Everything within me screamed in pain, the task far too daunting to even mentally process, let alone physically accomplish.

But, I have no choice. For my sake, I have to get up – I have to walk. Multiple people are on deck to help. Once I have achieved the painstaking task of swinging my legs to the side of the bed, they clamp two belts around my waist and establish a firm grip. Mom takes charge of moving the IV. Dad nearby in the event he has to step in to catch me. Brother and the Boy in the doorway praying and chanting encouragement.

More excruciating than I can begin to convey, they hoist me up. I bite my lip from crying or cursing! Excessively weak, I grow light headed. The room begins to spin. My eyes lock on the chair across the room. The chair that I know provides a safe place to rest. The chair that when I reach it, these two goons holding onto my belt will leave me alone!

I made it. I collapse. I pass out. I don’t know how I made it back to the hospital bed… that was Step One of the healing process. The movement began to awaken blood flow, which awakened muscles, which in turn, made me stronger. We repeated the process the next day… it got easier. The next day, I used a walker to walk to the door of the room! It still hurt, but the strength I was gaining soon began to alleviate the pain. 

Healing is a process. Which means it’s a process; it takes time. A dear friend recently told me, “Heather, you don’t have to be 100% healed in order to live again…” Where are you in this process? Are you acting dead in the bed? 

In June it will be three years since the hip replacement. Guess what? I am still in physical therapy! But, I am getting stronger. Muscles that haven’t been used in nearly a decade are coming back to life! What the doctors said couldn’t happen is happening! Fox 34 News in Lubbock ran a YouTube video about my story called, Young Girl Fights For Strength After Hip Surgery. People take notice when healing begins! They rally, they support, they applaud. 

Are you sick physically? Maybe you’ve taken a hard blow emotionally? It’s likely that you have a deep wound somewhere… I assume this because you are a human being. (Maybe except a few of my family and friends in Roswell! We come in peace!) ; ) 

The pain inflicted upon me one year ago is still raw. Yes, I have been able to get up and walk. Yes, I have regained a bit of strength. The stitches are still there. It hurts when you poke it. Some things cause it to throb and ache.

Often I am too strong for my own good. Rarely do I admit to pain. Right now, I confess to you that it hurts… gosh dang it – it hurts! It still requires a bandage. I cover up the wound when I go out and about. By the end of the day however, it needs to be cleaned. It needs to be re-bandaged.

Thankfully we worship the Great Physician. He is capable of treating our wounds with the most amazing care the world will ever find! And, He does all of this for FREE! We just have to let Him. I hoped for, prayed for and expected instant healing; of my hip and of my heart. That’s not how the Doctor wanted to work.

Have you also prayed for that wounded place in your life to be miraculously healed. Get angry when it didn’t happen how you wanted it to? Mad because you still feel as if you are in intensive care and not getting better? Does God work that way? Yes. Does He always? No.

I have reached the conclusion that sometimes He might actually want us to put forth a little

bit of effort.  We have to be willing to go through the healing process. There is so much to learn during that season! Often, myself included, we throw a pity party simply because it hurts. We refuse to get up. We cry demanding that the Doctor do something about it “this INSTANT!” When He doesn’t, we become angry and bitter.

Lying in that bed longer and longer only makes us weaker… There must come a point when we choose to believe that the Doctor really does know best. His goal is to make His patients better. This week, my heart is aching. I know yours is too. Rather than get frustrated and grow weaker, I encourage you to get up. You can do this. There is a chair nearby in which you can find rest.

I can walk. I can ride a bike. I can pick up my little siblings. I can skydive. I’m not still lying in that hospital bed writhing in pain. There are still days when I feel the pain, but I am not where I was before.

Hand it over. Trust the annoyingly-happy therapists that come into your life and make you move. Something like Heavenly magic happens when we choose to believe that God’s strength is perfected in our weakness. That He might actually choose US to make HIMSELF look good. Wow! What an honor we have! 

Your heart might be in therapy for a long time to come, but, it’s getting there! Nearly three years since the last surgery and I’m still healing. Fourteen months since my broken heart and I’m still healing. It is a process. It comes in stages. It takes time. Don’t quit going to PT. Don’t quit checking in with the Doctor. Don’t give up on your own healing. Claim it. Work towards it. 

By His stripes, He won your healing and your heart. You can do it. Swing those legs over the edge of the bed and stand. His amazing grace hasn’t failed to uphold you once, has it?

Healing Through Hurt

Life has graced us all with moments that just plain hurt. I have been learning through the past six months that I have a choice: do I want to heal, or not? Because of all of my hip surgeries, I can relate well to the intense process that is called healing.

The day after violent and invasive surgery, two “perfectly healthy” human beings walk into your hospital room declaring themselves physical therapists, requiring you to get up and walk. I would love for them to be on the other end of that demand once in a while! [Each time it has resulted in me passing out when I reach the designated chair.]

But, the next day you walk a bit further… then you get to go home. A walker is necessary for a while because you are too weak to balance on your own. Once you’re stronger, then come crutches. When there is a hole permanently burned into your armpit from the dad-gum crutches, you get a cane. All the while attending ridiculously painful therapy sessions.

While painful and unpleasant, it is a necessary process by which the healing will occur in the weak places of your body. Over time, muscles develop and the pain lessens. The healing of my heart is following such a pattern.

Leaving all comforts and security behind, I followed the Lord's lead and moved to Pennsylvania. This was my crutch moment. It had only been five months from the unexpected blow that left my heart in intensive care. Another month later, and my armpits are sore… it is time to move to a cane.

Working for Dannah Gresh has been an experience I can hardly put into words. The author of And The Bride Wore White, the book that saved my purity and ultimately my life, has challenged me to grow spiritually as well as take steps toward forgiveness, which will bring about my ultimate healing.

I have shared my heart, my struggles, and the deep wounds left by someone I once loved and trusted. Each time, more pain is brought to the surface and is able to be burned off. However, this week I faced a new challenge….

Dannah asked me to go with her to the True Woman Convention in Indianapolis next week! I was thrilled! Then I got my pre-convo assignments. While we are in Indy, we will be promoting her newly revised book, And The Bride Wore White. We will have our own booth in which we can talk to women about the powerful message of the text. The table in our booth is to resemble that of a bride and groom's wedding reception table. No coincidence I’m sure, this table just so happens to look almost identical to the one I was to share with my groom on June 2.

The process of shopping for and decorating a wedding table has been far from pleasant. Since I have been in PA, I have put on the “tough” face (imagine that!). I haven’t let myself cry or hurt… tying ivory bows and pearls onto chairs caused feelings and emotions to rush to the surface and I lost it - finally.

Sometimes God calls us to go to bat with the things that are taunting us; the things we try so hard to ignore. David took a stand and faced Goliath while everyone else tried to pretend he wasn’t there. My Goliath is an ivory wedding table - and I am conquering it. 

In addition, while at True Woman next week, I will be speaking in the Teen Track, giving my very raw testimony in a seminar called, “The Truth About Relationships.” Over four hundred girls will be present and I will speak following the incredible Priscilla Shrier. (Insert shock, awe and nausea here.)

Never in my wildest dreams did I image that seven months later I would be standing on a stage sharing my deepest hurt with teenage girls. The rawness is good. The pain is good. The lack of closure is good. This helps me know those faith muscles are working and healing is coming.

So, no matter how daunting or difficult it seems, I challenge you this week to go to bat with your Goliath. Face it head on! I will proudly go set up a wedding table at this convention knowing that Jesus is my groom and that He saved me from something He knew would have caused even more hurt.

Once your Goliath is conquered, you will likely be sore, tired, and have bloody hands and dirty clothes. This is good! You can come back from your battle with raw experience and tell others of the great victory you achieved provided by none other than the Lord Himself!

So, while I have no idea what I am going to say to a room of four hundred teenage girls, I know God will provide the words. The rawness and the pain and tears this week will bring forth a harvest next week – I am sure of it. When we are face to face with our weakness and our pain, I believe God is able to create a transparency to which others will gravitate.

I appreciate prayers for humility and gentleness as I continue to strive to honor this young man’s reputation. Ask that the Lord would give me the words to speak and that He would uproot any and all bitterness in my heart.

Honestly, the truth is, I am still angry, devastated, struggling with rejection and am trying to move toward forgiveness. I even considered becoming a nun…. I don't know what the "Truth About Relationships" is! I just know that the only One who will never disappoint me; who will ALWAYS love me and consider me His Bride is JESUS. 

Maybe, it is those very human struggles and real emotions that make us relatable to others. Embrace your pain and allow Jehovah Rophi not only work a miracle of healing in your own heart, but watch and be amazed as He draws others closer to Him as a result of your vulnerability. 

“Each time he said, ‘My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.’ So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.”  2 Corinthians 12:9