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Friday, August 10, 2012

At This Moment

Normally I would be writing from my room in a quaint town in New Mexico with my dog curled up next to me. At this moment, I write to you from downtown Charleston, West Virginia as the hotel air conditioner drowns out the neighbors next door.

I planned on snuggling up with the man I love more than my own life to watch a movie as some chocolate chip cookies baked in the oven. But, at this moment I am lying in a hotel room listening to my father's rhythmic snoring.

I envisioned a long day at the school; the final touches on my classroom, memorizing student's names, making sure everything was perfect for my sweet little babies to walk into third grade, ready to start my first year as a teacher. Instead, I continued the 1800 mile road trip with my parents through the rolling hills of Kentucky into West Virginia. I have been envious as I watch my friends post pictures of their perfectly decorated classrooms and tell me of their lessons. Never before has it been painful to walk past the school supply aisle - until now.

Even one year ago, when people would ask me, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I never would have seen this.

I have been dealt some difficult cards in my lifetime; from serious medical issues, to life-altering surgery, to tragedy, to deaths... but honestly, nothing has been harder than walking through the fire in which I find myself right now. My heart remains shattered, but at this moment, the Lord is working on gluing the pieces back together.

Yes, at this moment God is dragging me (kicking and screaming at times) to the East Coast. No family, no friends, no church, no healing comfort of the familiar. Just me and the Lord.

At this moment, I am struggling with feelings of fear and insecurity as well as being alone. At this moment I wrestle with anger at the one who stripped my dreams and my career  as well as his love from my unsuspecting hands. I resent that I am here rather than preparing for my first week of teaching. At this moment, I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT GOD IS DOING!!!

My human nature aside, I am nervously excited about this new page of the journey. He ordained it long before I even took one breath of air. At this moment, the Lord is purifying my heart, adjusting my attitude, and teaching me how to forgive as well as walk in total trust and surrender.

At this moment, Jesus is carrying me - His footprints leaving a trail in the sand; although for a while there was a loooonnnngggg groove. (Let Him carry you... trust me, it is much more comfortable than flopping on the ground like a toddler and having him drag you!)

You may not be able to see the peak of the mountain in front of you... take a deep breath and keep walking. Position your heart to move forward, even if your feet are a bit sluggish. At this very moment, ask the Lord to be your strength, your peace, your protection, your confidence, your surety.... whatever you are needing - At this moment - He desires to be that for you.

At this moment, I am getting stronger. At this moment, GOD IS GOOD.

1 comment:

  1. Heather you are "Blessed of the Lord" for listening to His Spirit and overcoming Fear with Faith in a Divine Creator and His plan for each of us. All to often the weaker side of our nature says " Stay in the Harbor" the sea is wide and uncharted. Yes we could stay in the harbor but that is not what ships ( and Valiant Son's and Daughters of God) are made for!