My blog is a little late this week simply because I have had
so much going on! I will try my best to catch you up!
This week I have gained clarity on the ministry I believe
God has given me as a result of my brokenness. I have watched another young
woman I deeply admire step out in faith as she begins to reach people at Penn State through her own ministry. Also,
I
cut the head off of Goliath.
Before you are grossed or creeped out, let me explain! Last
Tuesday I met with Dannah and another amazing woman of God, Kim. The Gresh’s
made it clear when they hired me that I was not only coming to Pure Freedom to
work, but I was coming to heal.
For the next two and a half hours, these amazing women led
me through an indescribable time of prayer. The dialog began with me
identifying my fears and the lies I have believed as a result of being cruelly
and painfully rejected by the man I loved and trusted with all my heart.
Only ten minutes in, they instructed me to quit thinking –
quit justifying and quit explaining. “You know, it is ok to feel Heather…” (I didn’t
realize I needed the freedom to feel but I did) At that, the waterworks
flowed; something I had not allowed to happen since I arrived in central PA in
early August. Through tears I spoke of the hurt. The women guided me to truth
in the Word. I could feel my spirit lifting as I finally verbalized
my heart’s fragile condition. After eight months of clinging to it (why I have no idea) I decisively deleted the text that brought my world crashing down as well as the loving Valentine's poem I had received just one week earlier. Kim then moved on to the last prayer point for the day.
She said the F-word.
Forgiveness.
Granted, this was my least favorite topic and I dug my heels
in deep. “How am I supposed to forgive without any semblance of closure?!” I
pleaded. Of course, they prayed their way through that obstacle and helped me
realize that my closure ultimately comes from above. They tried again.
Forgiveness.
The deep and painful emotions rushed to the surface. The
burning anger – the kind that makes your jaw clench. HOW?! “It’s simple
Heather, just fill-in-the-blank.” This sounded doable to my teacher-brain…I’m
listening.......... Just fill it in: “I
forgive ‘him’ for_____________.” This process was like pulling teeth for me!
Forgiveness is a matter of the heart; a
releasing of the past; a relinquishing of the man I loved. It is a choice that
for the rest of my life I will need to make on a daily basis. Kim held my hand.
“I forgive ‘him’ for lying to me…” For the next five minutes the Lord brought
my hurts to the surface. Some were far more difficult to verbalize and release
than others. I said his name and forgave him for each specific hurt.
Freedom filled my heart. I have always heard pastors say
that forgiveness really frees you from
bondage… they are right. I cried my makeup off and left with a box of tissues.
As I walked out of Dannah’s office, I felt like I had finally cut the head off
of Goliath. David had to. I had to. It is done. The job is finished. (1 Samuel 17:51) In David's day, to prove that someone or something was really dead, they were decapitated. The
monster of bitterness and unforgiveness is dead. Who do you need to forgive?
Will you finish the job? It is ugly and gross and you will get messy and
probably shed some tears… Do you want freedom?
Growing up, I hid the scars on my hip. I dreaded swim
parties and went to great lengths to make sure no one saw my leg. In junior
high, someone shared with me the beauty of Jesus’ scars in a way I had not
considered before… I will forever see my own differently. What if Jesus tried
to hide His scars?! Could you imagine? Jesus hiding the fact that He died for
me – for you? Absolutely not. His scars are what make Him flawlessly
beautiful. They are what give us life. Jesus would not be the Savior of the world
without them!
This week has been one of healing wounds. Wounds eventually
turn into scars. Scars don’t still hurt! Does
this mean I don’t still hurt? Not in the slightest, but it does mean that I am
allowing the Lord to doctor my wound. To clean the stitches and wash the scar with
warm water and soap… It is a process that takes time and effort - and tends to be uncomfortable.
On his way out of my life, my ex-fiancé made it known that
he was unhappy with the appearance of my hip and that it would negatively affect his active lifestyle… Those words
hurt deeply and have been hard for me to release. Do not let the negative words
or actions of others affect your healing process. You must see yourself through the eyes of the Great Physician. Each and every scar on your
heart and on your body makes you unique and beautiful. What scar doesn’t come
with a story?!
Also this week, Erin Davis, founder of Graffiti Ministry, operates the Lies Young Women Believe blog. She asked me to share the story “In
His Sunrise” with her thousands of weekly readers as a guest blogger. I was honored at the
opportunity and have been blown away by the comments and emails I have received as a result.
Many of you asked questions that I truly do not know the
answer to. I wish I did! Questions like “Why didn’t he do it to your face?”
“Was their another girl?” “Why did God give you all the signs and confirmations
and then allow things to fall apart and hurt you?” “Was he even a Christian?
Christians don’t do things like that.” Some of these questions stung… they are
hard to read and even harder to answer. I don’t know! I doubt that I will ever
receive a face-to-face apology for the way it was done or an explanation as to
why he would recant every “I love you” and “I can’t wait to marry you” that he
ever uttered. I don't know!!!!
I just know that God is the answer to every question. He is my Comfort. He is
my Peace. He is my Groom and my Lover. Normally I fight for answers and closure. My heart is softening and thankfully I realize that it doesn’t
matter. What matters is that God knows, and I trust Him. “All things work
together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His
purpose.” Romans 8:28
Don’t sacrifice the eternal on the altar of the immediate.
I remain confident that he was the one and God had appointed
the time. However, he chose to walk another path and embraced the things of the world. Why? I don’t know – Why did
Eve eat the apple? Why did Lot’s wife look back? Why did David lay with
Bathsheba and then have her husband killed? Why did Abraham and Sarah believe God
for a child and then try to orchestrate it on their own terms? I don’t know –
Free will, maybe?! Selfishness? Doubt? Fear?
To me trying to comprehend why the all-knowing God of the
universe would allow men to have a free will is like trying to understand the
concept of infinity…. I don’t get
it and probably won’t on this side of Heaven.
I was able to be reunited with my family, friends and my
puppy this weekend. I enjoyed Sonic and green chili on the south plains of
Texas. Never before was I happier to see the wide-open spaces of nothingness
that is west Texas! I was reminded of the extravagant love and support of my
family and friends.
Mom, Dad and Ky… I love you all so much and couldn’t have
been blessed with a better family. Thank you for being my rock and biggest
cheerleaders.
Haley and Chelsea… You went from maids of honor to helping repair
my broken heart in a split second. What would I do without you two? I love you
sweet sisters.
To the hundreds of others I see cheering in my corner, thank
you all so much for holding my hand and praying me through this battle. Your
words of encouragement have been the biggest blessing of many of my days!
Love you all so. God is incredibly amazing.
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