When God Moves

When God moves, He moves. Henry Blackaby wrote in his book, Experiencing God this fundamental truth: God is always at work around us. Maybe we might not be able to see it in our own lives at the moment, but if we lift our eyes from the selfish reflection in the mirror and look around, what we see just might astound us.

That is what happened to me this week.

Let me be honest, I have been in a funk for the past couple of weeks. Not really sure why, other than my ugly fleshly nature still surfaces once in a while. I milked the funk. Do you ever do that? Where you justify why you can act the way you do. Where you want other’s sympathy… Let’s just say it was a nasty couple of weeks!

On Wednesday, I attended a worship service. The International House of Prayer sent a team to Penn State to do ministry for one week. They happened to be here the same week of our Agape event and were helping us lead worship as well as promote the event on campus. I was sent to meet them and be a part of their work.

For the two hours that followed, I resembled a Ping-Pong ball; bouncing between beautiful worship and selfish boredom. (Remember the funk I was in… and I was liking it) My worship that day was not like sweet incense going up before my Father, but rather like a “stinky-egg fart” as my seven-year-old sister would say.

I was thankful when the service was over. The leader of the group decided that they should pray over Dannah and I before we went into our big event two days later. They laid hands on us both. They prayed for Dannah – it was beautiful, sweet, and encouraging.

Then they got to my stinky self. One girl – no doubt incredibly anointed by the Holy Spirit - began to pray for me. Mind you, I have never met her in my entire life nor said anything more than, “Hello,” when I walked into the room earlier.

She began to pray for my broken heart; the pieces that still remained shattered. (Pain has been coming to the surface recently and her beginning prayer shook me to my core.) Continuing, she prayed for healing over specific details and things that happened in the last few months of that relationship that I have told no one.

Tears fell down my cheek. “Jesus loves you. You are priceless and beautiful. He will always fight for you.” Then, she looked me dead in the eye. “You’re in physical pain?” Before I could even answer, she laid her hands on my right hip and began to pray for healing. Now I was weeping. “You once had the faith to believe that you would be healed completely. Where did that go? God wants to heal you. His desire is that you are whole. Reclaim your faith.”

She prayed and spoke words of encouragement from my Father. Details, fears, concerns I had told no one, God redeemed through her. As she continued to pray, the depth of her discernment continued to shake me. If I had a doubt, that just proved GOD IS REAL. I believe He reveals Himself to those who need to see Him most. At that moment, that was me. God messed me up! The rest of the day I was a puddle at the feet of Jesus.

I am so thankful that He comes to meet us right where we are; even in the midst of my stinky, selfish temper tantrum. I needed an attitude adjustment. A heart of love and compassion ready to to move with the Lord's Spirit; ready for Agape. 

So many of you have either supported financially or by your prayers the work of AGAPE. It is a faith-based event uniting many campus ministries to bring healthy, God-honoring relationships back to Penn State’s campus. I have been working on this project since the fall and it finally culminated with an event on Friday night at PSU.

Let me shed a little bit of light on why the issue of sexual wholeness is such a big deal on this campus. Last year, the Sandusky scandal began to reveal the corruption that resided within Happy Valley. While 40,000 students are on the campus, only 2,000 claim to be active Christians…

Virginity is not tolerated on the campus at all. Being a virgin here is asking for severe persecution. Sororities use sex as part of their induction week – I will spare you the details. There is an app that allows students who want to “have sex now” to find another person who wants to “have sex now” on a map. The hook up culture has become nothing more than a treasure map to instant gratification.

Penn State needs truth. We targeted the Christian kids. They talk the talk but many of them struggle to walk out their faith in such a difficult environment. We assembled a team to speak to these students – to encourage their faith. Never doing anything like this before, we figured it would be optimistic to expect 200 students to attend. That would be 10% of the Christian culture on campus - enough to effect change. 

We were shocked when over 450 students showed up; we had chairs for 230. Students were standing along the walls, sitting on the floor and crammed in the hallway, anxious to hear truth. My team was incredibly humbled by God’s move.

After a time of combined worship, the men moved to a different location and were encouraged to “pick up their stones,” and fight the good fight. The women received a rose and were called to take guys of the table for ten days and fall more in love with Jesus. I shared my broken-heart testimony and tears began to flow. Intercessors were set up around the room ready to pray for girls who needed to be made whole. 

For the next hour we prayed with countless young women. I know of at least one salvation. Many hearts were set on the road to healing. I will be taking a young lady who is a Hindu to church with me tonight as a result of her attending the event and the Lord stirring her heart. 

After the students left, the team sat around in awe of what God did. The stories of victory and hope are already pouring in.

I know many of you were praying and figured you would be blessed to hear the outcome. God is at work. He is always at work. Maybe even deep in the heart of the person you least expect it. Do not quench the Holy Spirit. Be a sponge. 

Thank you for your prayers and support. God moves. He moves big.  

Cutting Goliath's Head Off (and other adventures)

My blog is a little late this week simply because I have had so much going on! I will try my best to catch you up!

This week I have gained clarity on the ministry I believe God has given me as a result of my brokenness. I have watched another young woman I deeply admire step out in faith as she begins to reach people at Penn State through her own ministry. Also,

                                                  I cut the head off of Goliath.

Before you are grossed or creeped out, let me explain! Last Tuesday I met with Dannah and another amazing woman of God, Kim. The Gresh’s made it clear when they hired me that I was not only coming to Pure Freedom to work, but I was coming to heal.

For the next two and a half hours, these amazing women led me through an indescribable time of prayer. The dialog began with me identifying my fears and the lies I have believed as a result of being cruelly and painfully rejected by the man I loved and trusted with all my heart.

Only ten minutes in, they instructed me to quit thinking – quit justifying and quit explaining. “You know, it is ok to feel Heather…” (I didn’t realize I needed the freedom to feel but I did) At that, the waterworks flowed; something I had not allowed to happen since I arrived in central PA in early August. Through tears I spoke of the hurt. The women guided me to truth in the Word. I could feel my spirit lifting as I finally verbalized my heart’s fragile condition. After eight months of clinging to it (why I have no idea) I decisively deleted the text that brought my world crashing down as well as the loving Valentine's poem I had received just one week earlier. Kim then moved on to the last prayer point for the day. She said the F-word.

 Forgiveness.

Granted, this was my least favorite topic and I dug my heels in deep. “How am I supposed to forgive without any semblance of closure?!” I pleaded. Of course, they prayed their way through that obstacle and helped me realize that my closure ultimately comes from above. They tried again.

Forgiveness.

The deep and painful emotions rushed to the surface. The burning anger – the kind that makes your jaw clench. HOW?! “It’s simple Heather, just fill-in-the-blank.” This sounded doable to my teacher-brain…I’m listening..........  Just fill it in: “I forgive ‘him’ for_____________.” This process was like pulling teeth for me! 

Forgiveness is a matter of the heart; a releasing of the past; a relinquishing of the man I loved. It is a choice that for the rest of my life I will need to make on a daily basis. Kim held my hand. “I forgive ‘him’ for lying to me…” For the next five minutes the Lord brought my hurts to the surface. Some were far more difficult to verbalize and release than others. I said his name and forgave him for each specific hurt. 

Freedom filled my heart. I have always heard pastors say that forgiveness really frees you from bondage… they are right. I cried my makeup off and left with a box of tissues. As I walked out of Dannah’s office, I felt like I had finally cut the head off of Goliath. David had to. I had to. It is done. The job is finished. (1 Samuel 17:51) In David's day, to prove that someone or something was really dead, they were decapitated.  The monster of bitterness and unforgiveness is dead. Who do you need to forgive? Will you finish the job? It is ugly and gross and you will get messy and probably shed some tears… Do you want freedom?

 My definition of forgiveness has been changing. I thought for the longest time that forgiving someone meant never thinking about it again, never talking about it again, etc… just forgetting about six years of my life is not possible, nor is it necessary. This is now my testimony. I will always have a scar on my heart from what happened. My hip is covered in scars that will remain until I die and the Lord gives me a new body. But, my scars don’t still hurt – they are reminders of pain; they are a badge of honor; they remind me that I am strong. The scar on my heart will one day be the same. Right now it is raw and stitches are still holding the wound together.

Growing up, I hid the scars on my hip. I dreaded swim parties and went to great lengths to make sure no one saw my leg. In junior high, someone shared with me the beauty of Jesus’ scars in a way I had not considered before… I will forever see my own differently. What if Jesus tried to hide His scars?! Could you imagine? Jesus hiding the fact that He died for me – for you? Absolutely not. His scars are what make Him flawlessly beautiful. They are what give us life. Jesus would not be the Savior of the world without them!

This week has been one of healing wounds. Wounds eventually turn into scars. Scars don’t still hurt! Does this mean I don’t still hurt? Not in the slightest, but it does mean that I am allowing the Lord to doctor my wound. To clean the stitches and wash the scar with warm water and soap… It is a process that takes time and effort - and tends to be uncomfortable.

On his way out of my life, my ex-fiancé made it known that he was unhappy with the appearance of my hip and that it would negatively affect his active lifestyle… Those words hurt deeply and have been hard for me to release. Do not let the negative words or actions of others affect your healing process. You must see yourself through the eyes of the Great Physician. Each and every scar on your heart and on your body makes you unique and beautiful. What scar doesn’t come with a story?!

Also this week, Erin Davis, founder of Graffiti Ministry, operates the Lies Young Women Believe blog. She asked me to share the story “In His Sunrise” with her thousands of weekly readers as a guest blogger. I was honored at the opportunity and have been blown away by the comments and emails I have received as a result.

Many of you asked questions that I truly do not know the answer to. I wish I did! Questions like “Why didn’t he do it to your face?” “Was their another girl?” “Why did God give you all the signs and confirmations and then allow things to fall apart and hurt you?” “Was he even a Christian? Christians don’t do things like that.” Some of these questions stung… they are hard to read and even harder to answer. I don’t know! I doubt that I will ever receive a face-to-face apology for the way it was done or an explanation as to why he would recant every “I love you” and “I can’t wait to marry you” that he ever uttered. I don't know!!!!

I just know that God is the answer to every question. He is my Comfort. He is my Peace. He is my Groom and my Lover. Normally I fight for answers and closure. My heart is softening and thankfully I realize that it doesn’t matter. What matters is that God knows, and I trust Him. “All things work together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28

Don’t sacrifice the eternal on the altar of the immediate. 

I remain confident that he was the one and God had appointed the time. However, he chose to walk another path and embraced the things of the world. Why? I don’t know – Why did Eve eat the apple? Why did Lot’s wife look back? Why did David lay with Bathsheba and then have her husband killed? Why did Abraham and Sarah believe God for a child and then try to orchestrate it on their own terms? I don’t know – Free will, maybe?! Selfishness? Doubt? Fear?

To me trying to comprehend why the all-knowing God of the universe would allow men to have a free will is like trying to understand the concept of infinity…. I don’t get it and probably won’t on this side of Heaven.

I was able to be reunited with my family, friends and my puppy this weekend. I enjoyed Sonic and green chili on the south plains of Texas. Never before was I happier to see the wide-open spaces of nothingness that is west Texas! I was reminded of the extravagant love and support of my family and friends.

Mom, Dad and Ky… I love you all so much and couldn’t have been blessed with a better family. Thank you for being my rock and biggest cheerleaders.

Haley and Chelsea… You went from maids of honor to helping repair my broken heart in a split second. What would I do without you two? I love you sweet sisters.

To the hundreds of others I see cheering in my corner, thank you all so much for holding my hand and praying me through this battle. Your words of encouragement have been the biggest blessing of many of my days!

Love you all so. God is incredibly amazing.

Go cut off your Goliath's head... and take a long look at that beautiful scar of yours in the mirror.