No Knight in Shining Armor...

For the past week, I have been on tour in Washington with Dannah’s tween ministry, Secret Keeper Girl. We've had four events thus far for 8-12 year-old girls and their moms; over 3,000 in attendance, and close to 100 salvation's.  It is humbling each night to step on stage knowing that I get to play a small role in the biggest decision that some of these girls will ever make.

Each night after a Secret Keeper Girl LIVE show, we head out into the audience to sign autographs and take pictures with the girls. This particular night it was well past 10pm, I was starving and exhausted, and yet a woman named Holly waited for me. She just wanted to talk. I heard her heart and her struggles and the Lord led me to tell her of my broken engagement. She hugged me and encouraged me as best she could. Then she told me, “Quit looking for a knight in shining armor.”

I was quite taken back by the statement thinking maybe she misspoke. “Excuse me?” I asked.  “I said, you need to quit looking for a knight in shining armor.” I certainly needed clarification! She continued by giving me the most beautiful word I have received in a while:

“Don’t look for shining armor. It is for fairy tales and not reality. A man who’s armor is bright and shining has never been in battle before. You need a man who will fight for you. Who will lay down his life for you. Look for a man with scuffs and dents in his armor. Not only does it prove that he has experienced battle before, but that he has come out victorious. That, my dear, is what you deserve.”

My tough exterior crumbled and I collapsed into the arms of this stranger, crying. She prayed a blessing over me and I thanked her as best I could. This woman didn’t know me from Eve, nor did she have an earthly clue as to how many times I asked that young man, “Why won’t you fight for me?!” I have battled the thought that I'm not worth fighting for... 

Holly’s words filled me with hope and redirected my prayers and my vision for my future husband. As a result of her great wisdom and encouragement I have been studying the armor of God this week and I would like to share with you what the Lord has shown me:

First, Isaiah 59 scared the jeebers out of me. (Read this in the Message if you can!) The first half of the chapter speaks of the evil and oppression that the world is experiencing. Verse 15 says that the Lord saw what was happening, it displeased him because there was no justice. My bones chilled at the next verse, “He saw that there was no man and wondered why there was no one to intercede…”

So, the rest of the chapter describes the Lord putting on the breastplate of righteousness, the helmet of salvation – and garments of vengeance. Eeeeek! The Lord stepped in to fight because there was no man… I don’t ever want the Lord to look around and not see me ready to battle, ready to pray, ready to serve.

Paul was likely in a Roman prison, bound in chains when he wrote the book of Ephesians. He was guarded by soldiers each day who were probably wearing some sort of armor and carrying swords. The irony is that in chapter six, he describes the armor we ought to wear… I am sure he knew the scripture in Isaiah – Paul calls the people to dress for war. To stand. To be ready, so when the Lord looks around, He sees someone.

Ephesians 6:10-18 Describes the armor we must put on in order to stand firm against the Devil’s schemes. Nowhere does it say that the armor is bright or shiny, so let’s leave that for the fairy tales.

(Note that not everyone’s armor will look the same. Each piece will be intact, but it might look different. The battle clothes one would wear to invade the frozen tundra would be different than the ones used to carry out a special ops mission in the torrid desert.  Don’t look at someone else’s armor and wish it were yours – your mission is likely different than theirs.)

Belt of Truth: In John 14:6, Jesus says, “I am the way, the truth, and the life…” Jesus is truth. We must fasten and secure the knowledge of Jesus as Lord to our hearts as well as our minds. We must know how to release the lies of the enemy and replace them with the truth of Jesus. Sometimes this will involve a heart or mind adjustment on our part. Once a belt is fastened, it takes and intentional act to remove it. Truth doesn’t just fall off.

Breastplate of Righteousness: Righteousness means to be free from guilt or sin; to be morally right. This breastplate protects the integrity of your heart. It is critical protection. Can one wear this essential piece of armor while secretly viewing pornography or slandering friends? Doubtful. Without this piece of armor, your vital organs are exposed. Get Righteous!

Shoes of Peace: These are the wonderful shoes that you will use to walk out the Great Commission (Matthew 28:19). Everywhere we go, we should be walking the Gospel; by our living, by our language, by the way we dress… Don’t covet other’s shoes (the way they carry the Gospel). Again, some are trained to walk the gospel around the beach – they wear flip-flops. Others walk the gospel up the side of Mt. Everest and they need huge, heavy, waterproof hiking boots. Just put your shoes on. They will help you handle the elements.

Shield of Faith:  I love talking about faith! (The scripture according to Heather’s humorous interpretation.) In Luke 17:6, Jesus says that if we have faith the size of a mustard seed, we could move mountains. Ummmm, I want my shield to be bigger than a mustard seed! Our faith needs to enlarge! The bigger our faith, the greater the protection we have against the flaming arrows of the enemy. Many Christians in the army of the Lord become casualties because their shield isn’t big enough. They get hit with a flaming arrow. Build your faith! Your shield should have burn marks on it – Satan throws fiery darts on a daily basis.

Helmet of Salvation: The enemy likes to take cheap shots. Have you seen a football game in which the running back gets hit so hard that his helmet flies off? That is what the Devil wants to do to you. If he can hit you hard enough that your helmet flies off, he wins. He is out for your soul and if he can steal your salvation or get you to “take it off” even for a second…. Strap it down people! Cinch up the straps. Get your head in the game. Brace for a cheap shot from the backfield.

Sword of the Spirit:  Ephesians 6 explains to us that the sword is the Word! Own it. Pick it up. Develop strength and agility to use it. Know it. You will need to draw it out. Operate in the Holy Spirit – so many Christian are afraid of the Holy Spirit. You are missing out on a life of power and miracles when you resist the things of the Spirit – Pray in tongues at all times. Persevere through the grace given by the Spirit. Walking in the Word and in the Spirit makes you a terrifying target to the Devil. He can see the size of your sword  (he can also see if you aren't carrying one) and he knows you will WAAA-PAAAA him if he gets close. I want to scare the devil.

I have been so blessed by Holly’s words and the revelation given to me this week. It has helped me adjust my prayers for my future husband. He will be a warrior with a few battle scars – not a pretty boy with shiny armor and good hair. Ephesians 6 has also helped me learn the areas of my own armor which are weak or lacking. I have been challenged!

I do want the Prince that the Lord sends into my life to be a seasoned Veteran of the God-of-Heaven Armies. Victorious in battle. Full of stories of triumph, as well as marks of affliction. He will be strong. He will fight for me – better yet, he will fight with all he has for the Lord our God.

May I challenge you this week to look in the mirror and see if every piece of armor is in place. If you have been under attack lately, feeling the darts of the enemy, is your shield up? Is it big enough to protect you? Is your breastplate on?

Are your feet moving with the Gospel? If you stand in one place too long, they will either burn with blisters or freeze – get moving and take off your fuzzy slippers.

Get in the Spirit – the power you will find waiting for you there surpasses all your understanding. Don’t take your belt off…. That is a scary thing to do. Your pants might fall down – that would make you the laughing stock of the army.

Live victoriously, Mighty Warrior! I pray the Lord not look around and find either of us unready. He will gladly do it Himself… It’s like Moms – when you don’t do the chore the right way the first time and then Mom has to come behind you and do it again…. Ehhhh, that’s never good. Be ready – do it right. 

Don't go in to battle naked. You will die quickly and be a distraction to the rest of us. 

Put your armor on and Fight.... we win. 

A Daring Adventure or Nothing At All...

As my season in Pennsylvania comes to a close, I now find myself on the Pacific coast of Washington touring with Dannah’s tween show, Secret Keeper Girl. We will be putting on six shows for moms and daughters sharing truths from God’s word. WOW.

I can honestly say that eight months ago when I was lying in the fetal position on the floor of my bedroom considering how on earth I was going to even get up… if someone told me I would be here doing this I would have said they were an idiot.

The life of faith inevitably involves risk. I daresay that if there isn’t a risk involved, you may not be experiencing faith.

By definition, faith is; complete trust or confidence in someone or something. 

Helen Keller once said, “Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing at all.” I like to agree with her! Loving adventure myself, I scuba dive, skydive, white water raft, bike, swim with beluga whales and dolphins… my next bucket list adventure is to swim with whale sharks!

But this daring adventure you and I are on is so much more than earth-experiences. Jesus wants it to be about faith. About miracles. About an eternal mission.

For the past couple weeks, I have been stuck in Matthew 14:22-33 – the story of Peter walking on the water. Granted I have read and heard the story a thousand times but never “got it” until this week.

As I was reading along about the great faith it took Peter to step out of the boat… blah blah blah…. I read the story like I would read the back of a cereal box. Then the Lord smacked me in the face! HELLO, HEATHER!!!!

There is a HUGE cliffhanger in this story…. Have you ever seen it?! Peter recognizes the wind and waves (his circumstances) and begins to sink. Jesus reaches out a hand to him and asks, “Why did you doubt?” Then they get back in the boat. The end.

Ummmm, excuse me, but What Happened?! Did Jesus pull Peter back up to a standing position on the water? Did He walk on the water back to the boat while Peter swam? Did Jesus turn into a lifeguard and drop down throwing an arm around Peter and drag him to shore? How did they get back in the boat?!?!?!

Since my world took a radical turn in late February, I have been faced with many “out of the boat” moments. Some which I took, and others which I stayed safely in my life raft and waited for Jesus to come and get me. 

Jonah still on my heart too, I contrast his call with the charge of the disciples. Jonah was told by God to go somewhere and do something. He didn’t. Instead he ignored God’s voice and turned his back. He was thus disciplined – thrown overboard and had the pleasure of hanging out in the bile pool of a whale. Ewww.

The disciples on the other hand were sent out on a mission too. They did not want to go without Jesus, but were obedient. Jesus knew it was essential for their faith to grow. Between 3am and 6am they began to battle the waves. Fear set in as evidence of the Lord’s presence appeared absent. However, it’s never absent!

Might I point out, it was Peter’s idea to walk on the water. He presented the great plan to the Lord. Jesus agreed. Peter asked for a command – Jesus said one word, “Come.” (When I ask the Lord for direction or a command, I am often unsatisfied with one-word answers; “Go, Speak, Write, Love, Forgive…) I need to know why and how. Peter was content with one word = challenge for myself this week!

Although many scholars criticize Peter, I am left in awe. His faith was large. He asked to go and Jesus said come. When Jesus gives a command, you better obey! At that moment, Peter was far safer on the water than in the boat with the others.

Notice the storm didn’t stop when Peter got out of the boat. This is in the dead of night, sheets of rain falling, waves crashing, boat rocking, cold, wet, tired, sore, frustrated… then Peter walked to Jesus – while all of this was still going on!

We ask God to do things – to give us faith – to help us grow. Then, when He does, we are shocked. Peter freaked out. He remembered who he was: a fisherman. He remembered where he belonged: in the boat. He thought, “this is impossible, I shouldn’t be doing this,” even though it was the very thing he asked to do!

When we start sinking, there is not a whole lot of time for a long prayer. “Lord, save me!” is all the poor guy had time to get out! And Jesus reached for him. I like to imagine Him eye rolling and smiling; much like a father would when his little girl gets stuck on the monkey bars. Daddy to the rescue!

In this moment, I am sure Peter was not only scared and in shock but humiliated. Eleven other dudes were watching with their mouths hanging open from the boat. I like to think that Jesus brought him back up to a standing position and together they walked back to the boat = then the storm ceased.

Often times Jesus responds to us in accordance with the measure of our faith. He doesn’t set us up for failure and He answers us when we cry out to Him. I like to think that the Lord “picked him up and dusted him off” and together they faced the others.

Sometimes the walk back with Jesus is humbling… I am sure Peter was saying things like, “Uh, thanks for saving me. I am so sorry! I won’t pull a stunt like that again. Please get me back to the boat.” Can you imagine the conversation when they got back in the boat?!

The times I have stepped out of the boat, I become much like Peter; growing in faith and walking on the water, until… I look around and remember where I am and what’s going on and the reality that I am terrified and that it is impossible for me to be doing what I’m doing… I begin to sink into fear and doubt and the vision of Jesus’ precious face becomes blurry.

I admit that facing my hometown during the holidays has been one of those sinking things. Memories, traditions, our anniversary… people who know, people who ask. I wasn’t happy about it in the first place, planning to hide out in my house to avoid the possibility of having to face the situation.

However, a prayer I did not fully consider was, “Lord, I will speak and share my healing with who ever, wherever.” That same week I was contacted by two schools in my hometown asking me to come share with their high school kids… “Ummm, Lord, I meant anywhere but there.”

I don’t want to be like Jonah. Being vulnerable in front of strangers is hard enough but in front of friends, family, wedding guests, and people that proudly and excitedly hung the save-the-date from their refrigerator is another story.

The potential for sinking here is great, however, I know not to take my eyes off Jesus. He has beckoned me out of the boat. Asked me to do what I consider the impossible.

What has the Lord asked you to do? Is it a one-word command that you are still trying to mull over and think about? Your faith is shrinking….

It is like a little kid determined to jump off the high dive because their Dad said it was ok. They proudly race up the stairs – then they stand on the edge and look down. Although Dad is treading water waiting to catch his son, the child begins to shake. Tears fill his eyes. He shakes his head back and forth… I can’t do it. The Dad yells up encouragement. But, the longer he stands on the edge, the more scared he becomes.

JUMP! Get out of the boat. If you are headed toward Jesus, you are moving in the right direction. If you can’t see Jesus, you might be like Jonah taking the smelly scenic route to your destination – you are missing a lot along the way. The view isn’t nearly as great, nor is the chance for faith-building.

Don’t wait, don’t think. When Jesus says, Come, Go, Write, Forget, Think, Forgive, Pray, Serve, Love… you had better do it and do it fast. Notice that 11 others had the same opportunity to get out and walk and they didn’t. That’s why the story is about Peter.

I want my faith life to be an adventure – not nothing at all (or one with a whale belly.) 

Hurricane Sandy: Sleeping in the Stern

When I moved to Centre County, Pennsylvania in August, I certainly never thought I would be bracing for one of the most legendary storms the east coast has ever seen.

Granted, I hate storms. Regular, old thunderstorms can still send me running for my Daddy’s arms! The host family I am living with took any and all precautions. We stocked water and food, filled the bathtubs with water, had the wood-burning stove on for heat, and said our prayers.

Sure enough, the wind hit. I am used to windy west Texas days, but it is different when you are in the woods and hear the creaking, cracking and snapping of every branch. The rain came next, pounding the windows. The lights in the house flickered.

My “little sisters” (ages 6 and 4) wide-eyed and desperate looked to me for affirmation. “It’s going to be fine girls…” when inside I was incredibly uneasy. It is amazing how brave you can be for little ones!

Monday night, I crawled down to the basement with the girls while the parents stayed upstairs with the baby. The girls started out on the ground in Cinderella and Tinkerbell sleeping bags… somehow we all ended up on my air mattress.

For the record, sharing an air mattress with those two was far more dangerous than any hurricane! SMACK – foot in face. PUNCH – fist in gut. DROOL – way too close for comfort!

Lying there with the girls fast asleep on either side of me, I began to pray - one of us wasn't sleeping! The Lord brought to mind the story in Mark 4 where Jesus and the disciples were out on a boat when a big storm blew up. They became fearful of the rain and waves that walloped the boat and angry that Jesus was somehow sleeping through it below deck.

In the basement, we were “below deck.” No windows to see out of; the fan from the wood-burning stove blocking out all noise. I was only aware that there was a storm because I had observed it prior to going downstairs.

Then the Spirit asked me a question (seems like the theme lately).

What would have happened if the disciples came down and rested with Me instead of fighting the storm?

  

The story in Mark 4:35-41 is considered a midrash of the story of Jonah; Midrash is a tool of interpretation which assumes that every word, letter, and every stroke of the pen in the Torah has meaning. Midrash Aggadah focuses on biblical narratives and can include any retellings, additions, or twists on Torah stories.

The story of Jonah and the storm recorded in Mark 4 are designed to parallel one another – with just a few differences.

1. Jesus was the one who suggested they pile in the boat and cross over to the other side - the Decapolis. The Decapolis was a grouping of ten cities on the eastern frontier of the Roman Empire. Each city had a certain degree of autonomy and self-rule; complete with idol worship, paganism, sexual immorality… Much like the city of Nineveh.

2. Jesus was confident; His faith so anchored in the Father, that He was able to sleep peacefully during the storm. This was not the case for Jonah. He was asleep not because he was at peace with God, but because he was rebelling against Him. I heard a pastor at a church in San Antonio speak on this story. He said, “Be very concerned if you feel confident enough to run away from God’s will and then are comfortable enough to sleep…”

3.  Jonah awoke and jumped overboard. Jesus awoke and calmed the storm.

The disciples knew that it was Jesus who led them into the storm. They also knew the scriptures: “Then they cried to the Lord in the midst of their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. He made the storm be still, and the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad that the waters were quiet, and he brought them to their desired haven.” Psalm 107:28-30

In verse 41 of Mark 4, the disciples were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!” Because they knew the promise of the Psalms, they began to recognize that Jesus was more than just an influential Rabbi… He was exactly who the prophets and writers of Psalms  wrote about. 

How would the story have ended if the disciples chose to rest with Jesus instead of battle their circumstances?

Lying in the cold basement with the girls, I had much of the night to ponder the potential outcome (of Sandy and the question God asked me). While the Mark 4 Bible story has already been written, I can choose how I would like mine to end.

Rather than being rebuked by my Savior because of my small faith, I would much rather take comfort in curling up next to my Jesus. I can’t think of any safer place to be.

Then I looked at my precious sisters asleep on my shoulders… they were unaware of how dangerous the night was. They were not concerned with power outages or flooding. For all they knew, we were having a special campout downstairs on the airbed!

Childlike faith is a beautiful thing… I want to lay down in the stern of the boat with Jesus.  

In the last eight months, I have faced the greatest storm of my life. I have been guilty of trying to steady the boat by myself. Think Deadliest Catch weather with fiery, little me attempting to do something about it... kind of pathetically humorous, huh? 

Jesus is the one who led me to this place. He is the one who is leading you across your ocean. You and I will have a much more enjoyable trip if we learn to lie down and rest rather than fearfully battle what we can not control. 

If you are taking a Jonah-style nap, I hope you wake up before you are thrown overboard to a whale... Those taking a Jesus-style nap, I thank you for your example of faith and peace in my life. 

** For the record, God put a hedge of protection over State College. Much more fortunate than the majority of our neighbors, we never lost power, had very minimal flooding and just a few down tree branches. Thanks to the many of you praying for us! Praising the Father for His provision.** 

The Gospel According to Cinderella

 Life in the almost-Amish country this week:

1.   I had to use my windshield wipers to clear leaves off of my car before I could see to drive.

2. On the way to work yesterday, I had the revelation as to why it is called a leaf blower!!! In New Mexico they are only used to blow dirt out of the garage…WOW. 

3.  I was asked to guest blog for One Hip World, the organization that raises funds for the International Hip Dysplasia Institute. I said yes.

4. Two schools from my hometown have asked me to share my testimony in chapel while I am home during the holidays. This answer was a bit harder, but I did say yes.

5. The east coast is bracing for a hurricane. Ironically it is named “Sandy.” I know sand. This is not it.

6. Considering I endured the Lubbock, Texas haboob last October, I am more confident of my survival skills.

7. Don’t worry... I bought rain boots, a canoe and a life jacket.

8.  Four-year-old Kierstin, “Hethy, are there giraffes in your country?" 

______________________

  

I am so thankful that God teaches each one of his children so individually. This week, the Lord met me through Walt Disney. Don’t you love God for the way He does that?!

I have been in a funk for the past couple of weeks; struggling with emotions, lack of closure, faithful love that went unreturned, and the pending uncertainty of what the holidays might bring as we are both from the same small town. I have not seen him since he lovingly said "I will see you soon," in the airport. I am terrified to run into him, we had so many memories during the holidays… the list could continue but I will spare you.

I allowed this fear to replace my excitement about Thanksgiving and Christmas!

The heart is a direct reflection of what we focus our eyes on. I have been guilty of doing exactly what Peter did. I took my eyes off of Jesus and started to look at my circumstances. As a result I was filled with fear and doubt and began to sink; placing my heart in a very compromising position.

Through the story of my favorite Disney princess, Cinderella, Jesus reached out to pull me up above the waves.

I was browsing through Pinterest early one morning and found the iconic picture of Cinderella rushing down the stairs as the clock struck midnight, leaving the glass slipper behind her. I stopped to look at it for a moment because I love Cinderella (and secretly desire to be her someday!)

The Lord spoke to my heart. “Heather, what would have happened if she went back for the slipper?”

WHAT? I am blessed to be able to discern the Lord’s voice, but many times I still don’t have a clue what He is saying! Knowing it was important as the Father awakened it in my spirit, I pondered the question all day.

The answer that God revealed to me is precious. I desire to share it with you. The gospel according to Disney and Heather:

Cinderella possessed a servant’s heart. Following a moment of desperation, betrayal, shattered dreams and brokenness, the fairy godmother came to her in the midst of her tears. She transformed Cinderella from rags to glory. She blessed her – with the stipulation that all magic ended at midnight.

At the ball, Cinderella was not fake, she was not posing; she still possessed the same humble, servant’s heart. Yet, she was spell-bindingly beautiful.

She was given everything she ever wanted. She had the Prince, the attention, the gown, the fairytale. And yet, almost cruelly, the clock struck 12. Cling. Cling. Cling. Cling. Cling. Cling. Cling. Cling. Cling. Cling. Cling. Cling.

Obeying the fairy godmother, she walked (no, ran) away from her dream come true. Any girl knows that running in heels should be an Olympic event. Poor Cinderella had a battle with her slipper. She left it on the stairs and kept running. Yes, she paused and looked; a moment of hesitation. But, she didn’t go back.

Enter now the question the Lord asked me. What would have happened if she went back? The simple answer is,

she would have never become a princess.

Had she gone back, she would have risked being exposed. Would the Prince have viewed her differently? Maybe. Maybe not. Would others jeer and sneer? Possibly.

Had she gone back, she would have reclaimed the one piece of evidence that led the Prince in his passionate pursuit to find her.

Had she gone back, she would have clung to the temporary and unknowingly sacrificed her destiny. Her destiny to become a Princess.

This week I was in Cinderella’s “pause” moment. I glanced back. I took one last look at my dream and considered whether or not I would keep running in obedience with the godmother’s wishes.

In hindsight, at that dramatic “pause” moment, Cinderella had no idea she would become a Princess. But, she obeyed, displayed her faith, and trusted. I almost went back to get the slipper.

This would have been disobedience to my Father. It would have been selfish. I would have sacrificed the eternal on the altar of the immediate. I would much rather become a Princess than hang on to an old shoe!

I desire the Prince to find me. To seek me out with all of his heart. To fight for me no matter the cost. My Prince, Jesus, has already done this for me (and you)!

I do pray that one day God will send an earthly prince into my life to love me as Christ loves the church. To lay his life down for me. Marriage is a picture of the Lord’s relationship with His bride. When the earthly picture of marriage is tainted and broken, the Gospel is diminished.

I desire my future relationship to highlight the Gospel. To point clearly and boldly to our love relationship with the Lord. Partners in ministry.

“Have faith in your dreams and someday, your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true.”

– A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes, Cinderella

Had I gone back to get my shoe…. Who knows, I could have given up my tiara. 

Cutting Goliath's Head Off (and other adventures)

My blog is a little late this week simply because I have had so much going on! I will try my best to catch you up!

This week I have gained clarity on the ministry I believe God has given me as a result of my brokenness. I have watched another young woman I deeply admire step out in faith as she begins to reach people at Penn State through her own ministry. Also,

                                                  I cut the head off of Goliath.

Before you are grossed or creeped out, let me explain! Last Tuesday I met with Dannah and another amazing woman of God, Kim. The Gresh’s made it clear when they hired me that I was not only coming to Pure Freedom to work, but I was coming to heal.

For the next two and a half hours, these amazing women led me through an indescribable time of prayer. The dialog began with me identifying my fears and the lies I have believed as a result of being cruelly and painfully rejected by the man I loved and trusted with all my heart.

Only ten minutes in, they instructed me to quit thinking – quit justifying and quit explaining. “You know, it is ok to feel Heather…” (I didn’t realize I needed the freedom to feel but I did) At that, the waterworks flowed; something I had not allowed to happen since I arrived in central PA in early August. Through tears I spoke of the hurt. The women guided me to truth in the Word. I could feel my spirit lifting as I finally verbalized my heart’s fragile condition. After eight months of clinging to it (why I have no idea) I decisively deleted the text that brought my world crashing down as well as the loving Valentine's poem I had received just one week earlier. Kim then moved on to the last prayer point for the day. She said the F-word.

 Forgiveness.

Granted, this was my least favorite topic and I dug my heels in deep. “How am I supposed to forgive without any semblance of closure?!” I pleaded. Of course, they prayed their way through that obstacle and helped me realize that my closure ultimately comes from above. They tried again.

Forgiveness.

The deep and painful emotions rushed to the surface. The burning anger – the kind that makes your jaw clench. HOW?! “It’s simple Heather, just fill-in-the-blank.” This sounded doable to my teacher-brain…I’m listening..........  Just fill it in: “I forgive ‘him’ for_____________.” This process was like pulling teeth for me! 

Forgiveness is a matter of the heart; a releasing of the past; a relinquishing of the man I loved. It is a choice that for the rest of my life I will need to make on a daily basis. Kim held my hand. “I forgive ‘him’ for lying to me…” For the next five minutes the Lord brought my hurts to the surface. Some were far more difficult to verbalize and release than others. I said his name and forgave him for each specific hurt. 

Freedom filled my heart. I have always heard pastors say that forgiveness really frees you from bondage… they are right. I cried my makeup off and left with a box of tissues. As I walked out of Dannah’s office, I felt like I had finally cut the head off of Goliath. David had to. I had to. It is done. The job is finished. (1 Samuel 17:51) In David's day, to prove that someone or something was really dead, they were decapitated.  The monster of bitterness and unforgiveness is dead. Who do you need to forgive? Will you finish the job? It is ugly and gross and you will get messy and probably shed some tears… Do you want freedom?

 My definition of forgiveness has been changing. I thought for the longest time that forgiving someone meant never thinking about it again, never talking about it again, etc… just forgetting about six years of my life is not possible, nor is it necessary. This is now my testimony. I will always have a scar on my heart from what happened. My hip is covered in scars that will remain until I die and the Lord gives me a new body. But, my scars don’t still hurt – they are reminders of pain; they are a badge of honor; they remind me that I am strong. The scar on my heart will one day be the same. Right now it is raw and stitches are still holding the wound together.

Growing up, I hid the scars on my hip. I dreaded swim parties and went to great lengths to make sure no one saw my leg. In junior high, someone shared with me the beauty of Jesus’ scars in a way I had not considered before… I will forever see my own differently. What if Jesus tried to hide His scars?! Could you imagine? Jesus hiding the fact that He died for me – for you? Absolutely not. His scars are what make Him flawlessly beautiful. They are what give us life. Jesus would not be the Savior of the world without them!

This week has been one of healing wounds. Wounds eventually turn into scars. Scars don’t still hurt! Does this mean I don’t still hurt? Not in the slightest, but it does mean that I am allowing the Lord to doctor my wound. To clean the stitches and wash the scar with warm water and soap… It is a process that takes time and effort - and tends to be uncomfortable.

On his way out of my life, my ex-fiancé made it known that he was unhappy with the appearance of my hip and that it would negatively affect his active lifestyle… Those words hurt deeply and have been hard for me to release. Do not let the negative words or actions of others affect your healing process. You must see yourself through the eyes of the Great Physician. Each and every scar on your heart and on your body makes you unique and beautiful. What scar doesn’t come with a story?!

Also this week, Erin Davis, founder of Graffiti Ministry, operates the Lies Young Women Believe blog. She asked me to share the story “In His Sunrise” with her thousands of weekly readers as a guest blogger. I was honored at the opportunity and have been blown away by the comments and emails I have received as a result.

Many of you asked questions that I truly do not know the answer to. I wish I did! Questions like “Why didn’t he do it to your face?” “Was their another girl?” “Why did God give you all the signs and confirmations and then allow things to fall apart and hurt you?” “Was he even a Christian? Christians don’t do things like that.” Some of these questions stung… they are hard to read and even harder to answer. I don’t know! I doubt that I will ever receive a face-to-face apology for the way it was done or an explanation as to why he would recant every “I love you” and “I can’t wait to marry you” that he ever uttered. I don't know!!!!

I just know that God is the answer to every question. He is my Comfort. He is my Peace. He is my Groom and my Lover. Normally I fight for answers and closure. My heart is softening and thankfully I realize that it doesn’t matter. What matters is that God knows, and I trust Him. “All things work together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28

Don’t sacrifice the eternal on the altar of the immediate. 

I remain confident that he was the one and God had appointed the time. However, he chose to walk another path and embraced the things of the world. Why? I don’t know – Why did Eve eat the apple? Why did Lot’s wife look back? Why did David lay with Bathsheba and then have her husband killed? Why did Abraham and Sarah believe God for a child and then try to orchestrate it on their own terms? I don’t know – Free will, maybe?! Selfishness? Doubt? Fear?

To me trying to comprehend why the all-knowing God of the universe would allow men to have a free will is like trying to understand the concept of infinity…. I don’t get it and probably won’t on this side of Heaven.

I was able to be reunited with my family, friends and my puppy this weekend. I enjoyed Sonic and green chili on the south plains of Texas. Never before was I happier to see the wide-open spaces of nothingness that is west Texas! I was reminded of the extravagant love and support of my family and friends.

Mom, Dad and Ky… I love you all so much and couldn’t have been blessed with a better family. Thank you for being my rock and biggest cheerleaders.

Haley and Chelsea… You went from maids of honor to helping repair my broken heart in a split second. What would I do without you two? I love you sweet sisters.

To the hundreds of others I see cheering in my corner, thank you all so much for holding my hand and praying me through this battle. Your words of encouragement have been the biggest blessing of many of my days!

Love you all so. God is incredibly amazing.

Go cut off your Goliath's head... and take a long look at that beautiful scar of yours in the mirror.